Accepting that THERE ARE NO BREAKS

Oh, sure, teachers have "vacations" and "time off."  NOT THE CASE.  A good teacher works at school, after school, at meetings, at home, in the car, in their dreams, during "breaks"...  It's taken me a while to try to separate work/home, and I think I've got a good balance, but, no, there are no breaks.

My hubby gets an earful of "this" meeting, or "that" test, or "these" grades, or "those" students.  My computer never truly sleeps as it searches for articles or video clips that will help students relate to the next unit.

What do teachers really do?  This video is clear: Teachers make it happen.

At home, THERE ARE NO BREAKS.  Children are big, ticking alarm clocks that go off at random times.

The plan was 2 kids, 2 years apart.  Ever since the oldest could walk, we noted their interests.  Now, at 8 and 6, they can handle up to 2 activities at a time. Those 4 activities sometimes fill 6 out of the 7 days of the week.  There was a good 4 weeks where our schedule went like this:

Monday--baseball game

Tuesday--baseball practice/rehearsal

Wednesday--basketball practice

Thursday--baseball game/rehearsal

Friday--baseball practice

Saturday--2 baseball games, basketball game, support cousins at their games, rehearsal

 Fall 

Winter 

Spring 

As we chugged along eating fast-food dinners, sleeping in until the last possible minute, adding miles to the cars, I realized that this busy life is THE life.  The life that we are choosing together.  We want to provide opportunities for the boys to discover their passions.  The above may look like over-kill, but these boys are enjoying every single minute.  School has not suffered, no stresses or tears (well, maybe the occasional whining), but overall, this is turning out to be a crazy, fun time.

Finding the balance between quantity and quality is a goal.  We want to make sure that they are learning sportsmanship, improving skills, building friendships, all the while not feeling like we're forcing them to.  We're lucky that we've come across some good coaches/directors who have similar values.  It really amazes us how these adults can have so much passion for their trade and it truly does make an impact on our boys.  So commendable that these people have families, jobs, responsibilities of their own, and take the time to help other kids be their best.

Through all this madness, how do we the parents keep our sanity?  Sneak away once in a while, of course.  An older couple with kids once gave this advice to a friend: take time as a family, as a couple, and sometimes by yourselves.

Up next...

Summer approaches, the rigid work hours and school bells pause, but life doesn't stop. 

Play will be supervised, meals will be prepared, rooms will be cleaned, writing/art/math will be practiced, camps will be planned, personalities will be shaped to bury "boys will be boys."

Finding the right motivation

As a teacher, I want students to eventually want to do things intrinsically, to be motivated by a passion of learning.  In reality, depending on their age/development, many students do things for a grade, a raffle ticket, a sticker, a toy, a piece of candy, money, an outside reward.  These material rewards are necessary at times, and it's hard to wean them off to just learn for the sake of learning.  This takes more than one teacher, one period, one year.  I think it takes encouragement from school and home, and over time, maybe, the student can push themselves off into college and beyond, find something of their choosing, study something that excites them. 

The current culture of instant-gratification and materialism, #firstworldproblems, seems to keep students farther away from being intrinsically motivated.  The resiliency of the kids that do adapt to #firstworldproblems is done with decision-making.  "Adversity Leads to Beliefs Leads to Consequences" shows that an attitude of positivity can affect outcomes.  Another view is that having positive role models, "charismatic adults," to provide choices can allow students to feel a sense of control.  In the end, children must learn to have intrinsic motivation.

One of my hopes for my own children is that they will find and keep this intrinsic motivation.  We hope they will learn something for the sake of learning; satisfy curiosity with inquisitiveness; become better at their sport for the sake of fun and health; find a career that when they wake up to go to "work," they'll find some happiness in doing what they do.  While this is in the distant future, we can do things now to encourage without pressure.

On numerous occasions, Jason was offered money for doing things that doing them in itself should be its own reward.  We want him to want to spell things correctly; we want him to want to do well in his basketball game.

To alter this mentality of "doing something for something in return," we realized some things: we needed to teach our kids to be athletes; athletes need sportsmanship; sportsmanship is a learned skill.  Not a competitive bone in my body growing up, I had to figure out the do's and don'ts of being a parent audience member, of trying to navigate the culture of sports, of setting an example for the kids, of walking the fine line of encouraging the kids to have fun and the urgency to win.  This article by Dr. Burnett affirmed what I've seen: finding the right motivation is not as easy as it sounds.

It took a football mom to get me to see that we should encourage ALL players and not just our own kids.  In Jason's first season of flag football, I was so excited to see that Jason picked up routes and plays so quickly.  He made a touchdown, and I jumped up from my seat, clapped, and screamed, "GOOOOO JASON!!!"  Immediately after, this more experienced football mom yelled, "Good job, Vikings!"  I realized then that maybe I shouldn't be as excited for just MY player.  She did not say it in so many words, and I may be over-thinking this, but I'm glad she indirectly pointed this out to me.

Of course, give credit to where it's due: Jason was THE leading scorer of the season, and we definitely had a great time watching him at every single game.

In Jesse's first basketball season, he celebrates this shot as if they really kept score.  Although it was in good fun, a part of me kept thinking that he shouldn't gloat so much.  But for now, let's laugh out loud.

Jason leads the line for the post-game high-fives.  This tradition proves that, regardless of a win or loss, appreciating the opposing team's efforts is part of good sportsmanship.

We enjoy their enthusiasm for the little things.  We hope they enjoy whatever choices they make. We know they'll enjoy everything just a little more with intrinsic motivation. Bury "boys will be boys."

Realizing that kids become adults

In the classroom, content knowledge is important.  Having students take away skills and use them in the outside world is definitely a goal and a challenge.  But so is character-building.  I know of several teachers who have the mind-set of "I don't need to teach them social skills; that's not my job; that's their parents' job." I disagree.  I believe that if you are in a place that surrounds yourself with children, with human beings who eventually become the leaders of our society, we need to teach them manners, respect, integrity, positivity.

My grandmother passed this week.  She was the matriarch of our family.  Her life story, if it was a book, contained many chapters, beginning in the Philippines in 1925.  I wouldn't do her justice if I pretended to know and write about her life, but I do know what I shared with her.  She made my lunches in grade school, she was there to randomly talk to during high school, she was one of my movie partners in college.

Where her chapters and mine collided is where I'll be today.  I'll remember the times she laughed, played piano, did chores happily, loved cooking (some dishes great, some not so great lol), but most of all, I'll remember her legacy: family is important.

After college, I went on to create my own family.  Less and less time was with Lola, but more and more time with 2 (3) of the greatest boys.

One day, I was talking to Lola about the boys.  Her eyesight was fading, and she said she only remembers Jason's face.  She asked me what Jesse looked like.  "You can tell they're brothers."  She told me she noticed the way my voice doesn't get loud when I talk to them.  She told me she was glad that the boys are learning about Jesus.  She said there's something special about my little family.  She told me that she was proud.

My dad said to remember the first time she smiled at you, and the last time.  I will never forget.

My Lola proved that family comes first.  Maybe it's no coincidence that her own mother was a schoolteacher.  Because Lola always believed in a responsibility to look out for the young ones.  When her family grew and grew and grew, she made sure to instill a sense of morality, of right and wrong, of the just, of God.  I keep that with me, for my family and my career.

Family lives on.  I will think of the way she raised her own kids and grandkids, and I will make sure my kids know manners, respect, integrity, positivity.  The next generation will not quite know what it was like to live in the presence of Lola, but they can be sure that the legacy of the "Santos Mafia" continues.  The kids will be adults, and hopefully they see that "your children will become who you are, so be who you want them to be" (anonymous).  Bury "boys will be boys."

P.S. My cousin's perspective of Lola

Enjoying simplicity

Students respond to structure, routines, planned and well-executed lessons.  The word "simple" does not usually come to mind when I think of a classroom.  But, there are two ways that "simple" saves me: 1. I can't overwhelm myself in my work-world.  Not saying I'm less dedicated than when I first started, but I've needed to find ways to balance work/home life.  2. My audience is kids; although some less innocent than others, kids really are simple, unique thinkers.

When I look at the daily activities of a 7-year-old and a 5-year-old on summer vacation, I can't help but smile at these fun, innocent, energetic beings.  Even though they've found the "stash" of toy guns I was trying so desperately to keep away from them; they've found out that wrestling can be fun; they've eaten all of the unhealthy snacks in the pantry, etc, etc, etc... I have to remember that it's just simple fun.

Because by the end of the day, we've counted more laughs and smiles than tears and frowns.  

At first glance, it may seem possible to just live in this bliss. However, raising simple children is no where near easy. A conscious effort is necessary.

Parenting has definitely shifted from times when we were children, a crisis, some say.  The author suggests that many parents today are giving in too easily to children's demands, making children have more power and a sense of entitlement.  Some nuggets from the article:

• "...setting limits is hard"
• "Raise the bar and your child shall rise to the occasion."
• "Show children that shortcuts can be helpful, but that there is great satisfaction in doing things the slow way too."  

Following this advice is by no means 'simple.'  Many parents often will not allow others to help, in fear of appearances.  For example, sometimes my teacher instinct to correct other kids' behavior kicks in, but other times, it doesn't.  Should it depend on the circumstance, situation, people involved?  Should I mind my own business?  When it's about my kids' safety, I'll for sure step in.  And in the long run, everyone involved in raising children to be responsible citizens instead of entitled beings will help develop an overall wellness of society.  Working hard at structuring behaviors now (of any kid around) will likely pay off, and, finally, the simple fun can be enjoyed.

A first lost tooth...

J: "Mom, the tooth fairy didn't come!!!"  

Me: "How do you know?"

J: "There's no fairy dust!"

A third lost tooth, a simple smile: 

The entertainment never ends; a simple trick:

Parenting and teaching require hard, thoughtful processes.  We aim to purposefully reflect on parenting actions that we know will have long-lasting results.  Hoping that, even though it does take effort, we can enjoy simplicity and bury "boys will be boys."

Thawing a frozen heart

In the classroom, we aim to reach and teach every student.  Most students want to please, many students will try, and some students have so much going on in their personal lives, that education is not a high priority.  Whatever the situation, teaching is easier when you have some kind of buy-in.  The few with frozen hearts often fall through the cracks.

On the way home from a family trip, we watched

"Frozen," and I realized that frozen hearts are too common.  Many have analyzed the theme of the movie, most falling into the category of sibling love (a far-reaching theme of hetero- vs. homo-sexuality was..interesting; read more here).

What I keep wondering is how different the movie (and themes) would be if the siblings were brothers.  How often do we get to see the sensitive side of boys?  How do little boys deal with being shut out?

"Do you wanna build a snowman?  C'mon, let's go and play.  I never see you anymore; come out the door.  It's like you've gone away.  We used to be best buddies, and now we're not.  I wish you would tell me why.  It doesn't have to be a snowman.  (Go away, Anna.) Okay, bye."

Now, imagine a little boy singing this. (Jason told me lyrics, while Jesse sang along.)  Even with boys, the many girly Disney tunes are sung in our house (lol).

Siblings have a very unique bond, and only in fiction are there perfect families.  At a retreat group a lifetime ago, my sisters and I were in charge of a talk about family life.  I quoted Tupac, apparently, (I only knew/analyzed his lyrics in my adult life) when I said that it's "us against the world."  It felt like it to me; we were our playmates after school, weekends, parties, celebrations...  My extended family is so large that cousins/siblings became our first friends.  These parties, hang-outs, birthdays, milestones, etc. would not have less than 30 people involved.  On the other hand, my husband's blood relatives lived in so many places that the neighborhood kids were the 'family friends' who partied, hung out together.  A newer example I encountered was alternating years of birthday celebrations: even years are with family, odd years with friends.  Regardless of who is considered family, the bonds are what make "different flowers from the same garden."

Take Google's circles, or any social media site.  We categorize the people in our lives "family" or "friends."  I guess sometimes they blend, but we are forced to choose.  These categories are not set in stone.  We can choose to "unfriend" or "unfollow" someone when we feel like it.  We can choose to not hang out or not call back in the real world.  Whichever the circumstances, life sometimes gives us pieces of ice that end up freezing our hearts.  Some people in our circles can help us deal with these, but ultimately we have a choice (as in "Frozen") to move forward and thaw these frozen hearts.

How do I make sure that I'm not causing an icicle in the boys' hearts?  An observant non-parent said, "any little thing you say or do may potentially have a profound impact on your child."  Kids definitely take in everything around them, especially during the toddler years.  An author on the Huffington Post gets it.  So many times I find myself losing my patience or saying or doing something without thinking about how it'll affect the boys.  Example, everything on Facebook shows off the side that we want to be seen.  Watch this video (that I did not post on FB or IG):

Great job, little one!  But in the background, Jason is frustrated that I'm not paying attention to him.   I meant to tell him that I'll listen to him, I meant to tell him that I'm proud that he's reading, I meant to tell him that I can record him, too.  But I went on recording his brother.  He may keep this icicle and think that we favor the 'baby' of the family.  I want to start making sure that he knows that we love the both of them.  That sometimes his jealousness is unnecessary.  That he is special and unique on his own.  And his brother is, too.  I want to make him see that we are trying to treat them fairly, and fair doesn't necessarily mean the same.  We don't purposely try to do wrong, but some ice may unintentionally form.

I'm hoping that the boys end up with bond that sticks.  I know they won't come to us for everything, but maybe, just maybe, they can go through their world with each other.  However the ice may form, work it out, talk it through, experience life together.  Instead of hiding/isolating frozen hearts, I hope they have each other to bury "boys will be boys."

Sticking to a memory

In my not-so-many years of teaching, one thing a mentor teacher said stuck with me: kids sometimes don't remember what you teach them, but the memory of how they felt, they will take with them.  Even though I lost touch with her over the years, whenever a situation arises that I can decide to have the child remember something about the way I make them feel, I use that to my advantage.  This philosophy is sometimes tricky to stick to, especially at the middle school level.  Their brains seem wired to 'test' authority figures.  How does "tough love" translate into a memory?

One thing my mom used to do when we were younger also stuck.  When she would get mad (rightfully so) at us for something we did wrong, the next memory she would give would be a happy one, whether a softer-toned conversation, a favorite food, an outing, or something of the sort.

At home, the boys are becoming more rambunctious: wrestling, WWE, play-fighting, karate-kicking, etc. These boys' imaginations are growing more and more into the likes of "Street Fighter,"ninjas, toy swords and guns, etc.  While I know this may be 'normal,' I feel like their innocent play is fading.  Conversations are about not hurting people, even in pretend.  These goofy kids are not malicious, but the characters who they're pretending to be may be.

trying to act hard in his own 'selfie'

playing at gramma's house

When they cross a line, counting down and time-outs are routine.  Sometimes our patience wears thin, but the above beliefs comes back to me.  We try to make the distinction between reality and pretend clear, but are their brains ready for that?  And with their growing awareness of "punishment vs. obedience," are they ready to use what we've been teaching them?

Whatever 'punishments' we decide to use, we hope they'll realize that we want them to remember the lesson, and not carry with them the memory of their immediate reaction.  I just want to bottle up this sweet simplicity and bury "boys will be boys."

Pushing towards happiness

Students oftentimes need a push, a nudge, even a shove (not literally) to achieve their goals.  It may be in the form of specific praise, encouraging words, a positive phone call home, constant feedback.  One behavior-tracking app a colleague just showed me was "Class Dojo," where the class can earn points for who's on-task. 

At home, these 'pushes' can be a little tricky.  When we had Jason, one of our hopes and dreams for him would be to have as many opportunities to explore his likes/dislikes, talents, interests, etc.  Well, the more we talked about it, the more we thought about the various ways parents go about this 'push.'  Some parents let the child explore on their own, with little intervention.  Other parents push their own interests on their kids.  Still other parents see what kids like, and help them pursue.

The Talent Code says that it takes 10,000 hours for someone to become an expert at something.  So, that means you start young.

My questions then become: how much do we push? When do we back off?  What regrets will we have later on?

Jason's basketball story: Even before he could walk, we would watch his dad play ball.  Soon, he got his first toy hoop and loved aiming, shooting, dunking.  Then came a bigger toy hoop, and eventually an outside hoop.  His focus and determination with every sport (as in a previous post) is evident.  We signed him up at the age of 4 for classes at the community center.  From there, he played in 2 non-competitive leagues, and honed his skills and strategies.  He loves playing with his friends and making new friends along the way.  Jason's favorite part of basketball is getting to the hoop and shooting.  He always keeps his head in the game.  His first competitive league this season could have gone better, but we're using it as a learning experience. 

Jesse's acting story: Summer of 2013, the Disney channel aired its version of "Grease"/"Back to the Beach": "Teen Beach Movie."  Singing and dancing to every song, Jesse made us smile.  We already knew that he picks up moves/songs easily, but this time, we saw this as an opportunity to cultivate this interest.  Browsing the local community center magazine, I came across a local theater company about to start a production, with rehearsals on Mondays and Wednesdays.  Jason's basketball practices are Mondays; how could we do both?

Two weeks later, a schedule change opened up, and we split up, taking the kids to their different activities.  Jesse had missed 5 rehearsals by this time; we knew he might not be as comfortable, having missed learning names, faces, rules, songs...  So we just wanted to see if this was something he'd like.  After roll-taking and a warm-up game, the "Nouns" song came on.  Jesse stood up with the rest of the class, looked to the kids on his right, and picked up the moves just like that!  His timing was a little off, but he was catching on quick.  By the third song, he was singing the word "Adjectives."  Adjectives!  We knew this was where he needed to be.

Both boys have expressed their continued interest in these hobbies.  If their interests change later on, we will support whatever makes them happy.  I will wonder, though, if they grow up and reflect, "I wish they had pushed me more."  Hopefully, we can continue pushing without shoving.  Bury "boys will be boys."

Using time wisely

Time is gold. Students get fifty minutes for learning, practicing, and proving they learned it. Bell-to-bell teaching. Planning to the minute is, ironically, time-consuming.  I even sacrifice my lunchtime to plan.  Now that my family time is priority #1, I try to use every non-teaching minute at school productively.

As challenging as balancing work-life and home-life may be, I still keep my teacher-heart.  What I like best is seeing the light bulbs and the "aha!" moments when students understand something.  Teaching them responsibiltiy and character with all the state-mandated curriculum is definitely a work of art.  It's using time wisely.

Even before our kids were born, we planned to build our family around the school calendar to maximize our baby-bonding time; those summer months add up to way more than the standard 6-week maternity leave.  We weren't too off; one was born in April, the other in June.

Our schedule has been hectic at times, but we've made it work.  And we can't forget grandparents and family who help out, too.  We even survived a whole year of baby-car-switching.  He would meet me at school, and we would switch cars to take turns caring for Jason.  So lucky, I've heard, to not have to deal with the crazy costs (financial and otherwise) of quality child care. 



2011

Fast forward six years, we don't plan out every second of the day, but we do seek out "family time," not just formal vacations, but time with the four of us. We're at the age where our social life has centered on kiddie parties and playdates. Every once in a while, when we get invited out, we have to ask, "Is the party kid-friendly?" and we are prepared for either answer. Facebook friends still post pictures of the carefree party life; good for them, making memories for themselves.  We've conscientiously chosen to grow with our family and help the boys make memories.  If that means sacrificing a "grown-up" party now and then, then so be it.


2012

2013

Don't get me wrong: we still have the occasional away-time from the kids, especially when we have our own milestones to celebrate.  I still remember the kids' first overnight-er with their grandparents, which went smoother than expected.  Within hours after they left, though, we found ourselves talking about what the kids did or what they said.  It's almost as if we felt "guilty" that we weren't with them.  Even now, years later, some of that guilt creeps in occasionally.  But we try to "justify" and say, "Well, the boys do need practice being around different adults!"  To make it a little easier, we try to schedule our events around theirs.

As my work year officially starts next week, I want to make the best of both worlds. One of my partner teachers a while back had been a principal at a different school the year before.  We were talking about three important things in life: family, work, and religion.  He said that keeping the three in perspective would make a person happy.  He said that principaling required too much of his time at work, and that something had to give, and it couldn't be family. 

We won't be able to go back in time, and say, "I wish we would've spent more time with them."  My husband and I choose to help pave a road of memories, brick by brick, for our boys. When they have a chance look back, we hope they can appreciate the smooth happy ones, and learn from the rocky, bumpy ones.  Making family time a priority helps bury "boys will be boys."

Letting go

"Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened." Dr. Seuss

In teaching, one goal is for students to eventually do a task on their own, without the help of a teacher.  Teachers chunk or scaffold lessons so students can grasp things at their own pace.  Then, we should be able (in theory) to let go and have them master a skill by themselves.

Today, we just saw my youngest off to preschool.  This is no where the biggest milestone that we will see, but this is by far, the saddest to me.  Sad because the little boy who, up until a couple months ago, would wake up in the middle of the night to look for me.  Sad because the little boy who makes his family laugh will now be making his teachers and classmates laugh (hopefully at appropriate times).  Sad because the little boy who dances and sings at random times will have to do things on a schedule not his own.  Sad because his wide-eyed innocence will soon face the realities of growing up.

His preschool does strongly encourage pretend-play, and the syllabus even included an interesting article on "Kids Play to Learn." I was pleasantly surprised when the teacher provided many research-based reasons for the classroom set-up, the broken crayons, the choices of toys and curriculum.  Jesse, I'm sure, will be well-prepared for his formal school years.

Although his reputation is already (day 1!) "the comedian," he is not mean, or spiteful, or hateful.  He just has an over-active imagination that makes his personality so unique. His curiosity doesn't stop him from asking questions.  This fun-loving kid is now in a world that has structure, time-frames, boundaries that he may not have realized.

So here we are, at the moment where time does not stand still.  So many parents have said, "It goes by fast," and I am now a witness.  Some parents tell me, "You'll like the next stage," or "Their next phase is better."  But I want to keep the purity that is in a four-year-old brain.  I want him to not grow up in the crazy world full of drama, war, death.  But... I know I have to let go.  Because his independence is one of the ways to bury "boys will be boys."

Working as a team

In a school setting, there is no shying away from a team. Teachers work with their grade-level team, with their department, with the school site. Students work with partners or groups, and learn to work with a variety of people who they may or may not initially get along with.

My husband and I choose to raise our kids as a team. I may be the softer one at times, but when it comes down to it, and after each conversation, it's definitely "us" versus "them."  We want "them" to grow up to be responsible, caring, kind-hearted people.  

One of "them" has a kryptonite; the other has flying power.  Jason is most notably a basketball player; theee best! He's small and fast, and can fly down the court.

Not aggressive, but assertive.  Even in the world of "noncompetitive" sports, he can pick up the rules of the game and hone in on what makes it fun.  In basketball, Jason wants the ball.  He wants to shoot.  He wants to score.  He wants to pass.  He wants to handle the ball.  And that's just in one sport! In baseball, he wants to catch.  He wants to throw.  He wants to bat and get that home run.  He wants to get outs for his team (one game, he got 3 outs in one inning!).   We haven't tried soccer or football yet, but we're ready for it!

All of his skills don't matter to us as much as the way he treats his team. He is the first one to clap when his teammate scores. He is the first to give a high-five for an awesome pass. He is the first to help his teammate up if they fall. On the bench, he'll start a chant for his team.  His genuine enthusiasm for the game is contagious.

A good coach is also a factor in promoting teamwork.  We're lucky that Jason has had some coaches who not only worked on individual skills, but stressed the importance of working together. Now that Dad is coaching this season, just after a couple of games and practices together, the team is calling out each other's names on the court, knows some basic terms and correct stances, and even trying to be humble when we make a cool play.

 

Hard work, focus, and practice pay off.  But Jason also has fun with his team and truly enjoys the game.  In just two seasons, he's learned things about teamwork that my husband or I could not teach on our own.

Proud? Definitely!  We're only hoping that nurturing, and not pushing or pressuring, these experiences add up to a lifelong love of healthy, physical activity, while at the same time, give him a chance to use these skills in other areas of his life.  In this highly competitive individualistic society, finding a "team player" is sometimes rare.  Jason is practicing at a young age to bury "boys will be boys."