Speaking up and speaking out

Don't complain if you're not going to do anything about it. Solve your problem. Don't be a bystander.

In the classroom, a lot of learning happens, but also a lot of whining happens.

• I don't have a pencil. 
• He touched my shoe. 
• She made fun of the way I write.  
• He laughed at me.
• This is hard.
• I'm not good at writing.

Well, children, speak up.  To that person.  To yourself.  Figure out how to get past the problem. I respond by going to "growth mindset" (Google, read more here or here) and pointing to my classroom wall.  Students rephrase or ask a question to help themselves.

(Image from Google; variations of this are found in classrooms at our school)

At home, the boys can get under each other's skin.  The two of them mostly get along, but living with, playing with, sharing a room with, breathing with one another 24/7 is not always high-fives and hugs.  Jesse, being the younger, tries to play this card often: "I'm telling!" We hear that, and automatically say, "tell HIM, not us."  Tell him to stop ____; tell him you don't like that; tell him you'd rather play something else. Oh, and use a calm voice while you're at it.

Their out-of-town sleepover without us was our "test" to see if he could handle his brother being a "big bother" instead of "big brother." And the result: he's not there YET lol.

Jason with long hair when he became a "big brother."

We're glad Jason is one to speak up.  When a classmate said, "I can't run. I just can't do it!" and was about to give up, he and his friends cheered her on.  With encouraging words, she did it.

We're also glad Jesse's learning "growth mindset" strategies in his own classroom as well.  He even showed me the youtube video they watched found here.  We constantly talk and use language that helps him connect to different situations.

After Jesse's first round of frustration, Dad helped him aim.

Winning came from not giving up (and from our wallets lol)

There's always someone who plays harder than you, who runs faster, who writes better, who wins more.  If you're giving your best shot, then we're proud of you. If you speak up when something goes wrong, we'll back you up.  If you act with authentic kindness, we'll love that you listened. #buryboyswillbeboys

P.S.  more on growth mindset here

Speaking positive words

Manners are constantly challenged by everyday actions, social media comments, Vines, vulgar music...it's everywhere!  In my classroom, there is no room for put-downs.  "Please" and "thank you" are words taught and used. Tier 2 academic vocabulary outweighs tier 1 everyday common words, slang included.  It is extremely difficult to enforce these ALL the time, but I'd like to think that I try to set up the atmosphere that is safe for the students to speak out without the fear of chastisement.  Middle school is a tough place.  My certain demographic for the last couple of years have shown me that these kids are really sensitive under all that tough exterior.

Our own kids are showing some qualities of spoiled brats, so we need to pause (#grandparentswillbegrandparents).  They recently received 'unbirthday presents,' and first reactions were not mannerous.  We did not like what we saw.

In raising two boys, we've tried to envision how we want them to be as grown men.

Here's our experiment: Invert negatives into positives.

1. Use the word "hate" less.  Jesse: "I hate these headphones!" --> "I like the other headphones better."
2. Nix "annoying."  --> Be specific.  "It's too loud."
3. Change "boring." --> What IS fun?  "I like doing the math page instead of the writing page."
4. Don't get so angry when you lose a game.  --> "Maybe I'll use Eye Brawl next time."  (Jesse was about to throw something at his brother for beating him at Skylanders.  I had him take a breath, and he came up with that on his own!  Yay.)
5. Get "anger" out of the control room.  'Inside Out' was SUCH A GREAT MOVIE!  We are constantly revisiting our emotions, and now that the boys have a visual, they can communicate their feelings so much better.  

They even created another emotion, Awesomeness:

This parenting advice article made me nod my head to myself.  #6: "Don't catch every fall" is a philosophy that we've used since the boys were babies.  But they do need guidance.  The boys are lucky (or unlucky mwaha) that summer is learning time.  Learning to be positive.  Learning to be nice.  Learning to be gentlemen.  Bury "boys will be boys."

Accepting that THERE ARE NO BREAKS

Oh, sure, teachers have "vacations" and "time off."  NOT THE CASE.  A good teacher works at school, after school, at meetings, at home, in the car, in their dreams, during "breaks"...  It's taken me a while to try to separate work/home, and I think I've got a good balance, but, no, there are no breaks.

My hubby gets an earful of "this" meeting, or "that" test, or "these" grades, or "those" students.  My computer never truly sleeps as it searches for articles or video clips that will help students relate to the next unit.

What do teachers really do?  This video is clear: Teachers make it happen.

At home, THERE ARE NO BREAKS.  Children are big, ticking alarm clocks that go off at random times.

The plan was 2 kids, 2 years apart.  Ever since the oldest could walk, we noted their interests.  Now, at 8 and 6, they can handle up to 2 activities at a time. Those 4 activities sometimes fill 6 out of the 7 days of the week.  There was a good 4 weeks where our schedule went like this:

Monday--baseball game

Tuesday--baseball practice/rehearsal

Wednesday--basketball practice

Thursday--baseball game/rehearsal

Friday--baseball practice

Saturday--2 baseball games, basketball game, support cousins at their games, rehearsal

 Fall 

Winter 

Spring 

As we chugged along eating fast-food dinners, sleeping in until the last possible minute, adding miles to the cars, I realized that this busy life is THE life.  The life that we are choosing together.  We want to provide opportunities for the boys to discover their passions.  The above may look like over-kill, but these boys are enjoying every single minute.  School has not suffered, no stresses or tears (well, maybe the occasional whining), but overall, this is turning out to be a crazy, fun time.

Finding the balance between quantity and quality is a goal.  We want to make sure that they are learning sportsmanship, improving skills, building friendships, all the while not feeling like we're forcing them to.  We're lucky that we've come across some good coaches/directors who have similar values.  It really amazes us how these adults can have so much passion for their trade and it truly does make an impact on our boys.  So commendable that these people have families, jobs, responsibilities of their own, and take the time to help other kids be their best.

Through all this madness, how do we the parents keep our sanity?  Sneak away once in a while, of course.  An older couple with kids once gave this advice to a friend: take time as a family, as a couple, and sometimes by yourselves.

Up next...

Summer approaches, the rigid work hours and school bells pause, but life doesn't stop. 

Play will be supervised, meals will be prepared, rooms will be cleaned, writing/art/math will be practiced, camps will be planned, personalities will be shaped to bury "boys will be boys."

Enjoying simplicity

Students respond to structure, routines, planned and well-executed lessons.  The word "simple" does not usually come to mind when I think of a classroom.  But, there are two ways that "simple" saves me: 1. I can't overwhelm myself in my work-world.  Not saying I'm less dedicated than when I first started, but I've needed to find ways to balance work/home life.  2. My audience is kids; although some less innocent than others, kids really are simple, unique thinkers.

When I look at the daily activities of a 7-year-old and a 5-year-old on summer vacation, I can't help but smile at these fun, innocent, energetic beings.  Even though they've found the "stash" of toy guns I was trying so desperately to keep away from them; they've found out that wrestling can be fun; they've eaten all of the unhealthy snacks in the pantry, etc, etc, etc... I have to remember that it's just simple fun.

Because by the end of the day, we've counted more laughs and smiles than tears and frowns.  

At first glance, it may seem possible to just live in this bliss. However, raising simple children is no where near easy. A conscious effort is necessary.

Parenting has definitely shifted from times when we were children, a crisis, some say.  The author suggests that many parents today are giving in too easily to children's demands, making children have more power and a sense of entitlement.  Some nuggets from the article:

• "...setting limits is hard"
• "Raise the bar and your child shall rise to the occasion."
• "Show children that shortcuts can be helpful, but that there is great satisfaction in doing things the slow way too."  

Following this advice is by no means 'simple.'  Many parents often will not allow others to help, in fear of appearances.  For example, sometimes my teacher instinct to correct other kids' behavior kicks in, but other times, it doesn't.  Should it depend on the circumstance, situation, people involved?  Should I mind my own business?  When it's about my kids' safety, I'll for sure step in.  And in the long run, everyone involved in raising children to be responsible citizens instead of entitled beings will help develop an overall wellness of society.  Working hard at structuring behaviors now (of any kid around) will likely pay off, and, finally, the simple fun can be enjoyed.

A first lost tooth...

J: "Mom, the tooth fairy didn't come!!!"  

Me: "How do you know?"

J: "There's no fairy dust!"

A third lost tooth, a simple smile: 

The entertainment never ends; a simple trick:

Parenting and teaching require hard, thoughtful processes.  We aim to purposefully reflect on parenting actions that we know will have long-lasting results.  Hoping that, even though it does take effort, we can enjoy simplicity and bury "boys will be boys."

Sticking to a memory

In my not-so-many years of teaching, one thing a mentor teacher said stuck with me: kids sometimes don't remember what you teach them, but the memory of how they felt, they will take with them.  Even though I lost touch with her over the years, whenever a situation arises that I can decide to have the child remember something about the way I make them feel, I use that to my advantage.  This philosophy is sometimes tricky to stick to, especially at the middle school level.  Their brains seem wired to 'test' authority figures.  How does "tough love" translate into a memory?

One thing my mom used to do when we were younger also stuck.  When she would get mad (rightfully so) at us for something we did wrong, the next memory she would give would be a happy one, whether a softer-toned conversation, a favorite food, an outing, or something of the sort.

At home, the boys are becoming more rambunctious: wrestling, WWE, play-fighting, karate-kicking, etc. These boys' imaginations are growing more and more into the likes of "Street Fighter,"ninjas, toy swords and guns, etc.  While I know this may be 'normal,' I feel like their innocent play is fading.  Conversations are about not hurting people, even in pretend.  These goofy kids are not malicious, but the characters who they're pretending to be may be.

trying to act hard in his own 'selfie'

playing at gramma's house

When they cross a line, counting down and time-outs are routine.  Sometimes our patience wears thin, but the above beliefs comes back to me.  We try to make the distinction between reality and pretend clear, but are their brains ready for that?  And with their growing awareness of "punishment vs. obedience," are they ready to use what we've been teaching them?

Whatever 'punishments' we decide to use, we hope they'll realize that we want them to remember the lesson, and not carry with them the memory of their immediate reaction.  I just want to bottle up this sweet simplicity and bury "boys will be boys."

Using time wisely

Time is gold. Students get fifty minutes for learning, practicing, and proving they learned it. Bell-to-bell teaching. Planning to the minute is, ironically, time-consuming.  I even sacrifice my lunchtime to plan.  Now that my family time is priority #1, I try to use every non-teaching minute at school productively.

As challenging as balancing work-life and home-life may be, I still keep my teacher-heart.  What I like best is seeing the light bulbs and the "aha!" moments when students understand something.  Teaching them responsibiltiy and character with all the state-mandated curriculum is definitely a work of art.  It's using time wisely.

Even before our kids were born, we planned to build our family around the school calendar to maximize our baby-bonding time; those summer months add up to way more than the standard 6-week maternity leave.  We weren't too off; one was born in April, the other in June.

Our schedule has been hectic at times, but we've made it work.  And we can't forget grandparents and family who help out, too.  We even survived a whole year of baby-car-switching.  He would meet me at school, and we would switch cars to take turns caring for Jason.  So lucky, I've heard, to not have to deal with the crazy costs (financial and otherwise) of quality child care. 



2011

Fast forward six years, we don't plan out every second of the day, but we do seek out "family time," not just formal vacations, but time with the four of us. We're at the age where our social life has centered on kiddie parties and playdates. Every once in a while, when we get invited out, we have to ask, "Is the party kid-friendly?" and we are prepared for either answer. Facebook friends still post pictures of the carefree party life; good for them, making memories for themselves.  We've conscientiously chosen to grow with our family and help the boys make memories.  If that means sacrificing a "grown-up" party now and then, then so be it.


2012

2013

Don't get me wrong: we still have the occasional away-time from the kids, especially when we have our own milestones to celebrate.  I still remember the kids' first overnight-er with their grandparents, which went smoother than expected.  Within hours after they left, though, we found ourselves talking about what the kids did or what they said.  It's almost as if we felt "guilty" that we weren't with them.  Even now, years later, some of that guilt creeps in occasionally.  But we try to "justify" and say, "Well, the boys do need practice being around different adults!"  To make it a little easier, we try to schedule our events around theirs.

As my work year officially starts next week, I want to make the best of both worlds. One of my partner teachers a while back had been a principal at a different school the year before.  We were talking about three important things in life: family, work, and religion.  He said that keeping the three in perspective would make a person happy.  He said that principaling required too much of his time at work, and that something had to give, and it couldn't be family. 

We won't be able to go back in time, and say, "I wish we would've spent more time with them."  My husband and I choose to help pave a road of memories, brick by brick, for our boys. When they have a chance look back, we hope they can appreciate the smooth happy ones, and learn from the rocky, bumpy ones.  Making family time a priority helps bury "boys will be boys."

Working as a team

In a school setting, there is no shying away from a team. Teachers work with their grade-level team, with their department, with the school site. Students work with partners or groups, and learn to work with a variety of people who they may or may not initially get along with.

My husband and I choose to raise our kids as a team. I may be the softer one at times, but when it comes down to it, and after each conversation, it's definitely "us" versus "them."  We want "them" to grow up to be responsible, caring, kind-hearted people.  

One of "them" has a kryptonite; the other has flying power.  Jason is most notably a basketball player; theee best! He's small and fast, and can fly down the court.

Not aggressive, but assertive.  Even in the world of "noncompetitive" sports, he can pick up the rules of the game and hone in on what makes it fun.  In basketball, Jason wants the ball.  He wants to shoot.  He wants to score.  He wants to pass.  He wants to handle the ball.  And that's just in one sport! In baseball, he wants to catch.  He wants to throw.  He wants to bat and get that home run.  He wants to get outs for his team (one game, he got 3 outs in one inning!).   We haven't tried soccer or football yet, but we're ready for it!

All of his skills don't matter to us as much as the way he treats his team. He is the first one to clap when his teammate scores. He is the first to give a high-five for an awesome pass. He is the first to help his teammate up if they fall. On the bench, he'll start a chant for his team.  His genuine enthusiasm for the game is contagious.

A good coach is also a factor in promoting teamwork.  We're lucky that Jason has had some coaches who not only worked on individual skills, but stressed the importance of working together. Now that Dad is coaching this season, just after a couple of games and practices together, the team is calling out each other's names on the court, knows some basic terms and correct stances, and even trying to be humble when we make a cool play.

 

Hard work, focus, and practice pay off.  But Jason also has fun with his team and truly enjoys the game.  In just two seasons, he's learned things about teamwork that my husband or I could not teach on our own.

Proud? Definitely!  We're only hoping that nurturing, and not pushing or pressuring, these experiences add up to a lifelong love of healthy, physical activity, while at the same time, give him a chance to use these skills in other areas of his life.  In this highly competitive individualistic society, finding a "team player" is sometimes rare.  Jason is practicing at a young age to bury "boys will be boys."

Balancing attention-grabbers

Teaching has become an acting gig.  We are constantly trying to "entertain" our audiences/students and grab their attention.  I choose to sprinkle the reading and writing with art, movement, music activities, and definitely multimedia.

Knowing what's "in" with current mainstream trends can give more buy-in to a lesson.  When giving context to the term "subplot" to 8th graders, I used the show "Phineas and Ferb."  The main plot of the show is the brothers trying to have the best summer adventure, while the subplot could be Mr. Perry trying to defeat Dr. Doofenshmirtz.

At home, we ensure a balance of activities is available.  Bikes, basketball, baseball, coloring, art, anything in the infamous "toy room," and yes, sometimes, tv, computer games, the Wii.  They are free to come and go at their leisure, as long as they're playing the right way and clean up after they're done.  However, the most repeated activity is... pretend play!  Being different characters allows them to use imagination, creativity, and explore feelings/emotions.

The most elaborate schemes take planning, preparation, props, and participation from the parents.  One summer morning, they wanted to play school.  I was the teacher, Daddy was the bus driver, and the boys were "Lucas"(aka "Lookis," see picture) and "Kai."  Jas, the mastermind behind it all, assembled the numerous "tables" and chairs in the entire downstairs area.  After art time, reading time, and of course, recess, the day was over.  They created their own fun; memories made, dots connected.


Almost every morning, they wake up being someone else.  Even when we visit my grandmother, the first thing she'll ask the boys is, "Who are you today?"  Much credit of the balancing act goes to the boys and their choices, but we try to make sure those opportunities are available, opportunities that foster creativity, imagination, and positive play.  Bury "boys will be boys."

Connecting the dots

No, not to make pretty pictures. In teaching a unit or concept, one goal I have is for students to make connections to other concepts, possibly text-to-text, text-to-world, or text-to-self. The more prior knowledge they have, the richer the connections, discussions, and understandings. Many times, teachers end up having to reach and stretch the dots closer together, or even build bridges for the correct perceptions.

At home, we definitely try to help them connect dots.  After watching Turbo, we went home and got all our Cars books and toys out because both were about racing (text-to-text, where the "text" is a movie).  Maybe brains at 4 and 6 aren't mature enough yet, but we can try with things like, "What does this remind you of?" or "This character is like..."

Some funny "connections" from my youngest when he was 3:

• He's sitting crisscross applesauce, occupied with a toy. After his attention span gets the better of him, he rises awkwardly and rubs his foot back and forth. His face winces. He's not so sure about this new tingling feeling. "Mommy! Help! My foot's buffering!"
• The two boys and I braved the zoo that is Costco.  We had some extra time, so we sit down at the food court to enjoy our meal. An elderly man walks by the outer aisle to find a seat. He politely glances at the boys, who are laughing at something, and I give the man a small smile. He and his turban drift further away from us when Jesse looks up and whispers with a small gasp, "Mom, a genie!"
• Our fridge failed its mission. Food no longer cold, ice no longer solid. What we can salvage finds a temporary home at my mom's house. We set up an appointment for a repairman who, the next day, shows up and investigates. He speaks to my husband, in his Russian or Russian-like accent, about the problem, the part, how much. I finally come home, and Jesse runs, hugs, and then informs me, "Mom, the man's fixing our fridge. He speaks Spanish."

In all of these instances, he was being so sincere. I stifle my giggle, and after each misundestood dot-connection, a conversation follows, a bridge constructed to connect the correct dots.  With any new experience, we find it valuable that he expresses his thoughts, so if he perceives something wrong that could come back even worse, especially if it deals with race, we're on it.

So many jokes get told with the cloak of humor, and we try to convey that it's not funny if it's at someone else's expense, and we're sure to address that race is not a laughing matter.  The Kids React to Cheerios commercial  is an awesome example of how kids are connecting their own dots the right way.  Bury "boys will be boys."

Keeping up with the toy industry

Materialism: no escaping it in this country.  In the classroom, it's a good idea to at least know a couple things that are "in" and cool to the kids.  As I get "older" (*gasp*), some of the cool toy brands (Garbage Pail Kids, Cabbage Patches, Strawberry Shortcake) have been sadly replaced by things like Bratz, Kendamas, and the countless leave-little-to-the-imagination toys that compete for our kids' attention.  Why do teachers need to be in the know?  Making connections from a text to something they're familiar with makes learning new concepts a little easier.

At home, mainstream characters have invaded every single room of our two-story house.

After 10 birthday parties under our belts, our boys have accumulated I'm sure over a million toys.  When our guests leave, the boys are high on stimulation overload, so we decided to not open every single gift at once.  One or two toys a day is more than enough to satisfy their toy cravings.  After a week, a pile of toys still sits unopened, and, to them, disregarded.

We truly are grateful for being in this position (aka first-world problems).  We've been to our fair share of events, and we help them understand that gifts should have no strings attached--we don't expect anything in return, nor do we say a couple days later to a friend, "Who got you that?" knowing full well it was us. Let's appreciate that just the thought alone is worth way more than the gift itself.

With all these thoughtful gifts, we designated a "toy room" to keep some kind of order in the chaos that is: Superman, Batman, Iron Man, Transformers, Avengers, Power Rangers, Angry Birds, Yo Gabba, Beyblades, Bakugan, Dagadar, Ultraman, Lego, Lego Ninjago, Hot Wheels, Toy Story toys, Cars toys, music toys, dinosaurs, sports equipment... you name it!  Wow, how can a kid ever get bored?

Well, after dutifully purging...donating...recycling... arranging and rearranging, where do the boys spend their time?  In the dining room making a fort!

Pillows, blankets, chairs entertain them for hours, and I sit here thinking, "The poor toys! If the toys were on 'Toy Story,' they would end up at Sunnyside or in an attic.  Do I donate more? E-bay? Craigslist? Garage sale?" I have no solution, and the more time passes, the more we run out of closet space.

When people ask what to buy them, yes, there are some fads that will pop out of their mouths that second, but reflecting on what makes them truly happy, someone may as well give them a rock and they'll find something to do with it.  Okay, I'm exaggerating, but using imagination helps bury "boys will be boys."

Reversing the "boys will be boys" mentality

As a middle school teacher and a mother of 2 boys (ages 4 and 6), I’ve read countless books and articles about stereotypical gender differences, especially at the start of school age: girls = self-reliant, boys = destructive.  I do not want my sons to be in the “boys will be boys” category, so here are some strategies that my husband and I are implementing (and hopefully will make a lasting impression):

1.    Practicing conversations without the use of negative words (stupid, dumb, idiot…).  Media bombards us all with these simple, yet oppressive words that could lead to name-calling and negative thoughts, stereotypes, prejudices.  These words are banned from their mouths and ears right when they hear it.  We even created a game where if they hear a word they know we don't like, change it into a "better" word.  Example: "shut up and drive" song turns into "step up and drive."  A little cheesy, but positive.

“Please” and “thank you” are enforced.  When requests are made, they are constantly reminded to be polite with the situation in mind.  When they get older and encounter a wider variety of situations that I might not be at, I’ll ask them to “Code Switch,” a term that means appropriately switch the way you address people depending on where/who you’re with.  The tone of voice is also emphasized. Even at sports games, the boys don’t “boo” the other team, but just cheer for their team.

“Ha-ha! I got it first!”  Our reply, “Is that the right way to say that you’re happy about something?”

2.    Role-playing situations where children could get frustrated.  When Jesse was 2, his tantrums were unbearable.  When he wanted something, he would automatically scream and yell and stomp his feet.  Two things worked: CALMLY redirecting him to something else, or CALMLY waiting it out and reminding him of the “right way to act when you get mad: calm down, walk away, use your words.”  Before we go to places where the kids might get different reactions from people, we remind them of 3 rules: no spitting, no naughty words, no hurting people.

3.    Limiting physical “pretend-fighting,” wrestling, sword fighting, gun shooting, etc.  (Organized sports not included: those are encouraged).  Whatever form of “playing” that could end up with someone hurt, we limit.  We feel that the more exposure (physical or visual) of these fighting moves, the more it could become second nature to act aggressively.  While I agree that defending yourself is sometimes necessary, more solutions are found in using the right words.  Many may feel that a physical fight is a rite of passage or what boys need to get aggression out, I caution that this perpetuates the “boys will be boys” mentality. 

When I am explicitly in charge of other people’s children, I definitely take these fighting rules to heart.  I wouldn’t want to send my kid to someone’s house only to pick them up at a hospital.

“I’m gonna shoot the bad guys!”  My reply, “What did they do?  Are you defending yourself?”
 

4.    Giving choices when disagreements arise. “You can choose to have fun today or not,” “we can go later or not at all…”  This gives some of the decision-making to the children.  For non-negotiables, for sure, we enforce, but we try not to sound like the demanding parents that we all know (either our own parents or friends).  We're still using countdowns and time-outs at this age, followed with a conversation.  "What will you do next time?"

5.    Spending time observing them interact with other kids. We like to ask them how they felt during their time. We ask them if there was a better way to say/do something. We reinforce the positive behaviors. We emphasize that we want them to be good people, and doing things the right way helps them in the long run.

Someone asked me if raising kids was hard.  It is, and I end up worrying more about things I can’t control, like the people and things that influence my kids (with their knowledge or not).  But what I can control, for a limited time anyway, is modeling these behaviors.  Bury "boys will be boys."